Exploring

but will I return to digital art?

I’ve missed writing here. It gives me a chance to ground myself — and maybe even attempt at writing in a way where I’ll return to how I used to be. Somehow, as I dragged updating this longer and longer, I’ve lost the focus to pick out wrong usage of grammar in my words. But can you believe it, eyeing every little thing I send to my friends, or what I type on my Instagram stories before posting them? I’ve missed that, and so I’m here, while also, of course, leaving some updates about my life as an artist.

But that’ll come later.

For now, I’d like to let this stream flow where it wants, and talk about a panic attack I had two weeks ago.

I only slept two hours because of it. I had no choice but to be on medical leave that day because there was no way I would be able to function properly at work. The last thing I wanted was to become a burden to my colleagues and betray their trust. I’m working at a hospital too. Having to deal with patients, taking care of them — I don’t want to betray their trust either. It was no laughing matter.

So that day, even while I was on MC, I still had to go to a hospital, because I needed reassurance that what I experienced was not something more serious, like it being heart-related. I had an ECG, a blood test and a chest x-ray. Everything turned out fine. I was so groggy by the time everything was done and I was on the way home.

I might be sounding like a broken record by now, but it is true that I’ve been extremely stressed out from the workload in the last few weeks leading up to this major attack. I haven’t had it so bad in a long time. Are short panic attacks common to me? Yes, they are. This major episode made me realise that it was time I find out the root of the problem, instead of telling myself that it’s okay, I just need to make friends with it and learn to overcome it again. I aim to eliminate it altogether. By again, I meant that I used to have pretty bad panic attacks years back when I was still schooling, until it became a norm and I got used to them. Unfortunately, something happened in July, and ever since then, I haven’t been able to deal with it properly.

I thought things were going well. I had been going out more often, experiencing more things and spending more time with friends. I even signed up for personal training! Me! My body has never felt so strong, and I absolutely love that. Yet… everything that I’ve done in hopes of de-stressing wasn’t enough. I’m still not sure if it was really work stress that caused this episode, but I believe it was.

And I guess, going out more often also means that I’m spending less time at home. Is that the cause of no new digital work from me? It’s not. I tried to pick up my Wacom pen to paint something, but it ended up in the trash because I really hated how it looked, and I just didn’t have the patience, too, to get it right. Even start over. Since that last one, I haven’t picked up the pen again, afraid of what I might experience.

Amidst all the lousy moods — perhaps even the grief I might be facing from not being able to see digital art the way I used to with precious eagerness — I’ve started exploring watercolouring with a set I got from Japan in March.

Traditional art is still pretty new to me. Even now, though I’ve had my oil pastels for a long time, I haven’t put in enough time to learn how to use them properly even though I’ve had them longer than watercolours.

Watercolours though — having the feeling of mixing colours, and using a brush (that sophistication?) piqued my interest and gave me the push to explore. What colour would it become if I mixed this colour with this? How much water should I use? Oh, yes, the amount of water makes a difference. I saw a video on it once and it really helped me see that watercolour is not just about painting, it’s also the amount of water you use — especially knowing how much is too much. I’m still learning, and I adore this process.

I honestly hope to do some watercolour plein air paintings soon! But I’ll definitely need to wait for this weather we’re experiencing here in Singapore to be less unforgiving before I’ll sit myself somewhere in a park.

As for digital art, I’m thinking of going back to it again. Hopefully soon. I kept telling myself I’ll do it today, today, today, but it never happens. My plan is to start with something safe, like painting clouds, before venturing out to something bigger, like continuing my WIP for that art challenge.

But wait. Speaking of that art challenge, I think it’s time I give up on it. I did think of it before, because I felt it was restricting me on what I wanted to create at that point in time. Thinking about it now, there’s no obligation whatsoever for me to finish it, honestly. No reason for that guilt to arise whenever I thought of giving it up. Part of me even wonders if it’s the art challenge that has caused me to become like this, but I’ll never know. What I do know is I need to start from scratch, start on something small and within my comfort zone, and let things go from there.

Onward with life, I guess. One can’t deny it can be so impossible sometimes. I’m sorry if this post seems a little messy. Forgive me. It’s been a while since I’ve written, and my thoughts are also all over the place. Thank you for reading until the end.

My heart to yours,
Elaine