To anyone who has been following my art, you might have realised that the number of art updates I’d made have reduced substantially since February. I wasn’t sure if I should write anything about what’s happening, but felt compelled to do so, so here I am. When I first started this newsletter, I didn’t fully intend it to be all about art, although the majority of its content should be that, because I knew that something like this would happen again, how I would have periods of little to no motivation to make art. It wouldn’t be the first time that my art summary has blank spots. I was aiming for 2023 to be different, but even that was being too optimistic.
Last month, the workload at work increased. I associated my lack of drive to make art with work burnout (there was the Christmas period, the New Year period, the Lunar New Year period — it just kept going on without an end in sight), and something else. I’ve always been someone who has very bad sleep quality. I’ve tried everything possible, from meditation, to making sure I don’t use my phone an hour before I go to bed, to sleeping at the same time every night. I also tried sleep teas, asmr nature sounds, sleep hypnosis and yoga nidra. The last three were very recent, but just like everything else that came before them, their effectiveness started to wane. Before I knew it, my insomnia got worse earlier this month. The worst that is has ever gotten. It lasted for a week — and I thought by the weekend, everything would smooth out on its own — until it dragged more than that.
Fortunately for me, I already booked a session with my counsellor in Feb. I wanted to address this situation that was bugging me, how not being able to sleep fast enough had become a trigger for my panic attacks at night. The session was situated just right after 1.5 weeks of consistently terrible sleep My energy level was at its lowest, I was becoming forgetful, and it was the best time to talk things out and find a solution with a counsellor again.
My only regret during that session was not starting with (my lack of) sleep. I updated on things that had happened since I last saw her, telling her about my romantic relationship worries and complaints (as a single who’s looking for a partner), and about how the panic attacks started again (I read a memoir where the author’s father died of a heart attack and I worried that I would die like him at a young age). The last thing I talked about was my sleep, because she already knew me: that all these worries would keep me up.
By the end of everything, she basically pushed everything aside and told me to focus on improving my sleep quality, because I was already showing signs of anxiety and depression.
For some reason, I cried later that day. I still don’t know the reason today. Thinking back now, I still found it shocking.
The thing was, despite everything that was going on, I was still pushing myself to experience new things. The Elaine last year would never have thought that the future her would one day sign up for personal training, or even think of going to the gym — or thinking of hanging out with horses, learning muay thai, going for a short yoga retreat overseas, etc. If art had a character, and I were him/her, I’d be frustrated. Like why is she no longer seeing me? And then I realised… I was trying to drown myself in things that felt interesting, in the hopes that I can feel my mood lifting. That was the motivation despite my low energy.
Except for personal training, everything else are still plans and still not put into action, but I found them all easier to execute than opening up CSP and continuing my current WIP. Perhaps it’s because of my need to make sure it comes out well. Everything new that I choose to do won’t have that expectation, so it can only go right. And that’s what I need. No chance of disappointment to add on to all the bad that’s happening.
I’ll be seeing my counsellor again next month. Her solution for me worked for a while, but like all the others, its effectiveness is disappearing. I feel so, so tired. But I’m determined to make it right, because the title for my life this year is ‘self-care’. Fingers crossed that my sleep problems will be resolved by the end of 2023, because I’m so sick of it.
So there’s that. I fully intend to finish the art challenge for sure. So many more to go. It’s taking way, way too long and I really hoped to finish by April or May, but I no longer see it happening.
My heart to yours,
Elaine